I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Couch. On fire.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
