Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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