My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
