Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I had to cum in my sink.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
