i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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