Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
