Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
