I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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