I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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