I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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