if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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