I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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