Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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