cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
