we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
