I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
