He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
