Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
