This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
