I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
