She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
