This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
