I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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