So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
