Are we in a gay sports bar?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
