my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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