that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
