he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
