Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
