There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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