My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
