i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
