I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
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