I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I think your dad took our porno
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
