Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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