I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I think I sprained my soul last night
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
