you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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