my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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