If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Enjoy the penises
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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