if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
