well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
