Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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