my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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