I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
