oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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