I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
