Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
