My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
