new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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