my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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