she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
