I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
