I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
