the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize