I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
