i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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