im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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