I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
