Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
